TOXIC LOVE

I was head over heels in love with him and spent so much of my time and energy on him – who wasn’t just difficult, he was all-out TOXIC.
Even though he seemed like a dream-come-true when I first met him.
In fact, we had everything in common – the same interests, the same careers – but even more amazing, we had the same ENERGY.
We both talked fast, we were both so enthusiastic and demonstrative. It was totally thrilling from the first moment.
And for a long time, he was so attentive.
He’d call me every day. He’d bring flowers to all our dates.
He called me “precious” and said it was the first time he’d ever understood the MEANING of the word “precious.”
I was knocked over.
It all scared me because I’d never felt that much with a man – and so strongly and intensely.
I was afraid I’d get hurt, but I just pushed it all aside and jumped in completely. I allowed him into my mind and into my heart. I was convinced he was “The One”
And then my worst fears started becoming real. He started complaining about me – from the clothes I wore to the way I stood, to how I did ANYTHING.
He made me feel ugly, and unsexy, and unwanted – and he did it with his merciless sense of humor.
Every complaint came out as a put-down.
People around us would laugh, because he was funny.
I laughed, because it was funny and because I didn’t want to look like a “poor sport.”
All of a sudden I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him, which made me feel small and weak, and powerless.
He stopped caring about what I really wanted or how I felt about something he wanted to do. He just seemed unhappy with me, and too preoccupied with his own thoughts and plans to worry about me – to even CONSIDER me or my feelings – and that made me feel unworthy and unloved.
But because I’d already invested so much time and energy and love in him, and because everyone we knew saw us as a “couple,” I just let it go on…and on…and on.
I found myself completely bound up in this relationship, unable to understand what was really happening to us… and to me.
I kept telling myself that because I loved him, he could make me happy if only I knew how to make HIM happy.
I kept trying to change the way I acted or talked around him, in hopes that I could “smooth things over” and make him love me more.
I kept blaming myself all the time, because I decided it was all MY responsibility and that it was all happening because I wasn’t strong enough to handle the situation and make it right.
He would tell me that the real problem was that it was impossible to make me happy. And I started to believe him!
After a while, I realized I wasn’t the same woman I was before we met. I used to feel enthusiastic about life and love. Instead, I had become an obsessed, miserable and anxious person.
Yet, even though I felt frustrated, hurt and confused, I would tell myself I loved him and that he was the man I wanted to be with forever.
I kept reminding myself and thinking about all the good things that kept me wanting him…
He would be so intense and romantic one day… then ignore me for days afterward.
He would talk about all the wonderful things he wanted us to do together, and I would feel like there was something to look forward to… but a few weeks later he’d get “amnesia” and nothing changed.
He would make me laugh and feel lighthearted… and then say something cruel and condescending right after.
I was totally drained from the roller coaster yo-yo of emotions, feeling happy and connected one day when he was being loving and attentive – to feeling the ground drop under me when he disappointed me yet again with an unkind word, an angry glance, or the cold sting of his obvious withdrawal.
As a matter of fact, the way he made me feel when things were GOOD between us was part of the big reason I couldn’t seem to LET IT GO no matter how BAD things got.