Nothing seems to have changed in the past 2 months. I still feel depressed and have still not found a job. I am very un-nerved and nothing seems to go my way. I have a lot of paranoia and I am just extremely unhappy!
I am praying and having faith that God will help me and Clay through this. I am scared that it will get worse before it gets better though. I don't suppose that that is being very faithful since I am letting fear control me.
Right now I am struggling with my feelings for Mark. After having wrote my last blog entry it seems as though with all of the emotion that I put into my words may have characterized him as somebody that may have been worth fighting for. With the daily drama that I experience here I chose not to remember the bad and only the good in him. Having done that, I have convinced myself that leaving him was a mistake and that I was better off there.
I am so wrong though! Fortunately I had taken the time to write some of the bad things that he did throughout our relationship as a reminder so that when I did leave I would not forget the bad. That is always what I have done...forgot the bad and accept responsibility for the relationship not working. That's what I have been doing the past few weeks...blaming myself and sulking in my own self pity! No, he isn't worth it and never was. I had forgotten how he used me as his personal laborer. He's had to hire 5 people to replace me now since I have left! I had forgotten the looks of disgust that I would get, how he constantly would shun me, The hurtful words that he spoke.
So I am not where I want to be in my life right now. But guess what REBECCA! You are not sitting in your secret place at Nesselrod staring at traffic wishing that you had the balls to leave that disrespectful lying, cheating, BASTARD! You got the balls and you did it! Please don't forget how miserable you were with him! You gave up your pride for him, you gave up your integrity for him, you gave up YOU for HIM and he never even deserved you! Don't you waste a second pondering on him. What he is doing or who he is with....remember that he is so unhappy with himself and so insecure that he is just gonna keep using and abusing everyone around him until it all crashes. And it will!
So look at your future! Look at what you will gain. You will get stronger each day. You will find yourself again and enjoy life again. You will establish a new career in a new place. New friends will come and new experiences. You will have the time to spend with Clay that you have been wanting for so long. These things will all come and sooner than you think. It has only been two months and you have been hurt. Time now to stand on your own two feet again and move forward with your life. It is time!
