TOXIC LOVE

I was head over heels in love with him and spent so much of my time and energy on him – who wasn’t just difficult, he was all-out TOXIC.
Even though he seemed like a dream-come-true when I first met him.
In fact, we had everything in common – the same interests, the same careers – but even more amazing, we had the same ENERGY.
We both talked fast, we were both so enthusiastic and demonstrative. It was totally thrilling from the first moment.
And for a long time, he was so attentive.
He’d call me every day. He’d bring flowers to all our dates.
He called me “precious” and said it was the first time he’d ever understood the MEANING of the word “precious.”
I was knocked over.
It all scared me because I’d never felt that much with a man – and so strongly and intensely.
I was afraid I’d get hurt, but I just pushed it all aside and jumped in completely. I allowed him into my mind and into my heart. I was convinced he was “The One”
And then my worst fears started becoming real. He started complaining about me – from the clothes I wore to the way I stood, to how I did ANYTHING.
He made me feel ugly, and unsexy, and unwanted – and he did it with his merciless sense of humor.
Every complaint came out as a put-down.
People around us would laugh, because he was funny.
I laughed, because it was funny and because I didn’t want to look like a “poor sport.”
All of a sudden I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him, which made me feel small and weak, and powerless.
He stopped caring about what I really wanted or how I felt about something he wanted to do. He just seemed unhappy with me, and too preoccupied with his own thoughts and plans to worry about me – to even CONSIDER me or my feelings – and that made me feel unworthy and unloved.
But because I’d already invested so much time and energy and love in him, and because everyone we knew saw us as a “couple,” I just let it go on…and on…and on.
I found myself completely bound up in this relationship, unable to understand what was really happening to us… and to me.
I kept telling myself that because I loved him, he could make me happy if only I knew how to make HIM happy.
I kept trying to change the way I acted or talked around him, in hopes that I could “smooth things over” and make him love me more.
I kept blaming myself all the time, because I decided it was all MY responsibility and that it was all happening because I wasn’t strong enough to handle the situation and make it right.
He would tell me that the real problem was that it was impossible to make me happy. And I started to believe him!
After a while, I realized I wasn’t the same woman I was before we met. I used to feel enthusiastic about life and love. Instead, I had become an obsessed, miserable and anxious person.
Yet, even though I felt frustrated, hurt and confused, I would tell myself I loved him and that he was the man I wanted to be with forever.
I kept reminding myself and thinking about all the good things that kept me wanting him…
He would be so intense and romantic one day… then ignore me for days afterward.
He would talk about all the wonderful things he wanted us to do together, and I would feel like there was something to look forward to… but a few weeks later he’d get “amnesia” and nothing changed.
He would make me laugh and feel lighthearted… and then say something cruel and condescending right after.
I was totally drained from the roller coaster yo-yo of emotions, feeling happy and connected one day when he was being loving and attentive – to feeling the ground drop under me when he disappointed me yet again with an unkind word, an angry glance, or the cold sting of his obvious withdrawal.
As a matter of fact, the way he made me feel when things were GOOD between us was part of the big reason I couldn’t seem to LET IT GO no matter how BAD things got.

what next?

Wow! Three months have officially passed and I am left wondering wtf did I do! My life sucks! I HATE it worse than I did when I was in the relationship. Which is probably why I am missing him so terribly this week! I so desperately want it all back! I know that I would have never thought that while I was in the relationship. All I ever wanted when I was in it was to leave because I knew that he would never and could never love me and respect me the way that I deserved. But, even knowing how bad it was, I want it all back.
I know that I can't have it back. I know that! But still, a little piece of me wants to believe that it could all be back in the blink of an eye. I woke up this morning and decided that I would call him today. He needs to hear my apology!  He needs to know that I was wrong....I was grasping for straws. I thought about calling to hear his voice, I thought that maybe, just maybe, he would hear mine and want me back. The reality of it though, is that it would stir up all of my feelings and emotions and when he would say that he wasn't interested in me and that he is in a relationship....It would kill me! It would put me over the edge! The simple truth!

I don't think that I would have been so

3 months

Just extremely depressed today! I had been doing well for several weeks until now. I received a call last Sunday from someone that I barley know wanting info on weddings at the B&B. I found it odd that she asked so many personal questions about Mark and me and then asked me if I would be her wedding coordinator at the B&B. After the conversation I felt a little anxious because I thought that maybe....just maybe....Mark had put her up to it. I started thinking of him again and started imagining us together again and ....bla, bla, bla!
I did it, I went there.............Again. I don't guess that he really had anything to do with it at all. I just wish that I could forget about it all. I wish that I could move on with my life! I wish! I wish! I wish!
I really thought that after 3 months I would be in a better place! Thought I'd have a job, thought I'd be happier....thought wrong!