It's been exactly a month today since I left. Today, I am still extremely depressed. Still thinking of him and our last conversation. I remember him walking in the door that Thursday morning and seeing the boxes in the hall. I heard him say "shit, Rebecca!" I came around the corner as he stood there his eyes filled with tears and he said " what are you doing?"
I keep thinking of that moment because it made him realize that I was serious and It seemed as though he actually cared. If only for that moment.
We sat down and talked and he said that he was sorry for coming 30 minutes late. He promised me that he would call next time if he were going to be late. I said ok, knowing that there would not be a next time. He asked me to unpack everything and I said that I would. He said in a quivering voice, my God! what must you have been thinking when you started packing everything. He seemed to really care but then the conversation switched over to he couldn't live with me and asked if it was alright if he left some of his clothes in the closet. I was really just numb. I would normally say something out of anger as a response to such a comment but I knew that it didn't matter. I just sat there and listened to him make excuses and not own any responsibility for our relationship not working. He tried to explain to me why his family and children would always come first and why I would never be allowed around them. In his head, it was normal. He has never once considered how hurtful that was to me. He truly did not care at that moment, or never for that matter. I didn't comment on his decision to constantly shun me. It really didn't matter. For two and a half years I tried to express how his words and actions were so hurtful. It never got through to him.
I play that day over and over in my head. The decision to leave had been made the previous weekend but I kept hoping that something would happen to change my own mind. With every box that I packed I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing. I was soooo tired of hurting. I was soooo unhappy with myself and who I had become. It was the right thing to do for myself and Clay. It could have been so different though, I would still be there today if I had had any hope at all that things could be different. He didn't give any inkling at all that he would or could ever change. I knew that he was done too.
Now I am trying to heal. trying not to dwell on our past. But I find myself thinking only of the good times that we shared. I am wanting to feel his arms around me again. That warmth and security that made everything ok. His body snuggled so tightly against mine all night. I think of the places that we went together early on in the relationship and those memories that we made together. The events at the B&B that we actually enjoyed together. There were not many of those but there are so many memories there. How do I let them all go? How do I move on as if he were never a part of my life? I have truly lost the only man that I have ever loved.
We lied in bed that day and held each other. My tears kept flowing uncontrollably. I wondered what he must be thinking. I am sure that he was thinking how pathetic I was and how he couldn't wait to leave. I just wanted to hold him forever and never let him go. I asked him to promise to have his heart checked and to have the mole on his head checked. I wanted to know that he would be ok.
We dosed off for about an hour and when we woke he had to rush off to meet someone. He put some things in a bag and walked down stairs. I couldn't help but think that he was feeling some guilt for having just lied in bed with me. He wouldn't kiss me and he certainly did not want to make love. I think that he would have felt like he was cheating on whomever he was already seeing. I had had those exact feelings from him before and they were always true. He was already with someone else.
We walked to the door and and hugged on last time. Holding back the tears this time, I said I love you. He didn't, he said I'll call you. I watched him walk out the door to his car. I couldn't take my eyes off of him because I knew that it was the end. I may never see this man again. The realization of what was happening hit me and I wanted to rush to his car and stop him. Tell him just how much that he meant to me and that I would never leave him! But, I didn't move. I stood there and watched him back up and drive off as I waved good bye.
I spent the next day frantically packing the rest of my belongings. I had gotten some supernatural strength from God because I was able to stay on track and get it done. The following night I went to bed knowing that it would be the last night in the home that we had made together. I snuggled his pillow and closed my eyes and imagined that he was lying beside me. The realization of what I was doing had not hit. Not yet anyway. I sent him a text message that said I was thinking of him. One last effort to hear from him. I dozed off and was awaken at 1:30 from the buzz of my phone. He had replied. I grabbed my phone and read the message. It said...and I of you. But I was certain that he wasn't.
The next morning I awoke and lied there for a few minutes trying to gather the strength to do what I had to do. I had got Clay up and we went to the storage house beside of Nesselrod early to get the rest of my things. It did not bother me to look across the grounds of Nesselrod that morning. That place had brought me so much heart ache and was the the reason for so many arguments between Mark and me. I was happy to leave there. We loaded the vehicle and tied my boat down to the top. I remember Clay and I trying to be quiet because I didn't want any confrontation with Mark that morning. As we drove off I said my goodbyes to myself.
The next several hours were a blur. The anxiety was off the charts! 4 xanex's later I was able to calm down enough to make one last pass through the house before I left. It was empty. Now I knew that there was no going back. We arrived at the storage facility in NC a few hours later. That is when it all hit me! Everything that I owned was being unloaded into a 10x20 storage building. I cried uncontrollably and yelled at everyone around me because NOBODY knew what this pain that I was feeling was all about. I knew that they would never understand. A couple more xanex and I calmed down.
The healing is slow. If time really does heal all then I am praying that the next six months fly by. My memories will fade quickly I am sure. I don't have many memories of any of my ex's and if I do, they are not the good ones. The same will be true for Mark. The bad memories will remain and a year from now I will wonder what I ever saw in him. How could I ever love someone that would lie and cheat. The blatant disrespect that he showed almost daily. These are the things that I need to accept in order to move forward. I have been asking myself what it is that I would look for in a man when I am ready to start dating again. Right now I can only think that I would want Mark but I would want a Mark that was respectful and proud of me.
What I've learned from all of this is best summed up in this quote-
I keep thinking of that moment because it made him realize that I was serious and It seemed as though he actually cared. If only for that moment.
We sat down and talked and he said that he was sorry for coming 30 minutes late. He promised me that he would call next time if he were going to be late. I said ok, knowing that there would not be a next time. He asked me to unpack everything and I said that I would. He said in a quivering voice, my God! what must you have been thinking when you started packing everything. He seemed to really care but then the conversation switched over to he couldn't live with me and asked if it was alright if he left some of his clothes in the closet. I was really just numb. I would normally say something out of anger as a response to such a comment but I knew that it didn't matter. I just sat there and listened to him make excuses and not own any responsibility for our relationship not working. He tried to explain to me why his family and children would always come first and why I would never be allowed around them. In his head, it was normal. He has never once considered how hurtful that was to me. He truly did not care at that moment, or never for that matter. I didn't comment on his decision to constantly shun me. It really didn't matter. For two and a half years I tried to express how his words and actions were so hurtful. It never got through to him.
I play that day over and over in my head. The decision to leave had been made the previous weekend but I kept hoping that something would happen to change my own mind. With every box that I packed I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing. I was soooo tired of hurting. I was soooo unhappy with myself and who I had become. It was the right thing to do for myself and Clay. It could have been so different though, I would still be there today if I had had any hope at all that things could be different. He didn't give any inkling at all that he would or could ever change. I knew that he was done too.
Now I am trying to heal. trying not to dwell on our past. But I find myself thinking only of the good times that we shared. I am wanting to feel his arms around me again. That warmth and security that made everything ok. His body snuggled so tightly against mine all night. I think of the places that we went together early on in the relationship and those memories that we made together. The events at the B&B that we actually enjoyed together. There were not many of those but there are so many memories there. How do I let them all go? How do I move on as if he were never a part of my life? I have truly lost the only man that I have ever loved.
We lied in bed that day and held each other. My tears kept flowing uncontrollably. I wondered what he must be thinking. I am sure that he was thinking how pathetic I was and how he couldn't wait to leave. I just wanted to hold him forever and never let him go. I asked him to promise to have his heart checked and to have the mole on his head checked. I wanted to know that he would be ok.
We dosed off for about an hour and when we woke he had to rush off to meet someone. He put some things in a bag and walked down stairs. I couldn't help but think that he was feeling some guilt for having just lied in bed with me. He wouldn't kiss me and he certainly did not want to make love. I think that he would have felt like he was cheating on whomever he was already seeing. I had had those exact feelings from him before and they were always true. He was already with someone else.
We walked to the door and and hugged on last time. Holding back the tears this time, I said I love you. He didn't, he said I'll call you. I watched him walk out the door to his car. I couldn't take my eyes off of him because I knew that it was the end. I may never see this man again. The realization of what was happening hit me and I wanted to rush to his car and stop him. Tell him just how much that he meant to me and that I would never leave him! But, I didn't move. I stood there and watched him back up and drive off as I waved good bye.
I spent the next day frantically packing the rest of my belongings. I had gotten some supernatural strength from God because I was able to stay on track and get it done. The following night I went to bed knowing that it would be the last night in the home that we had made together. I snuggled his pillow and closed my eyes and imagined that he was lying beside me. The realization of what I was doing had not hit. Not yet anyway. I sent him a text message that said I was thinking of him. One last effort to hear from him. I dozed off and was awaken at 1:30 from the buzz of my phone. He had replied. I grabbed my phone and read the message. It said...and I of you. But I was certain that he wasn't.
The next morning I awoke and lied there for a few minutes trying to gather the strength to do what I had to do. I had got Clay up and we went to the storage house beside of Nesselrod early to get the rest of my things. It did not bother me to look across the grounds of Nesselrod that morning. That place had brought me so much heart ache and was the the reason for so many arguments between Mark and me. I was happy to leave there. We loaded the vehicle and tied my boat down to the top. I remember Clay and I trying to be quiet because I didn't want any confrontation with Mark that morning. As we drove off I said my goodbyes to myself.
The next several hours were a blur. The anxiety was off the charts! 4 xanex's later I was able to calm down enough to make one last pass through the house before I left. It was empty. Now I knew that there was no going back. We arrived at the storage facility in NC a few hours later. That is when it all hit me! Everything that I owned was being unloaded into a 10x20 storage building. I cried uncontrollably and yelled at everyone around me because NOBODY knew what this pain that I was feeling was all about. I knew that they would never understand. A couple more xanex and I calmed down.
The healing is slow. If time really does heal all then I am praying that the next six months fly by. My memories will fade quickly I am sure. I don't have many memories of any of my ex's and if I do, they are not the good ones. The same will be true for Mark. The bad memories will remain and a year from now I will wonder what I ever saw in him. How could I ever love someone that would lie and cheat. The blatant disrespect that he showed almost daily. These are the things that I need to accept in order to move forward. I have been asking myself what it is that I would look for in a man when I am ready to start dating again. Right now I can only think that I would want Mark but I would want a Mark that was respectful and proud of me.
What I've learned from all of this is best summed up in this quote-
