Well, he did call last Wednesday. Said that we needed to talk. So I went over to the B&B and It was nice. He hugged me tight and we sat and talked. Honestly, I don't even remember the whole conversation. I told him that I was packing but I don't think that he believed me. He acted as though he wanted to work things out but I was still DONE and I think that deep inside he was too. We spent a couple of hours together and then he said that he wanted to come by Thursday to get a few things.
Thursday came and he walked in the house and saw all of the boxes. He said "shit" and suddenly his eyes became teary and he said what are you doing Rebecca? I told him that I needed to do something. I really couldn't just sit there and hope that he would come home. We talked for a while and he told me that he had a wonderful week without me. Yes, it bothered me but I wouldn't expect him to own any part of what has been happening to us. He never would! He said that we can't live together anymore but would still like to see me. At that point I started brewing inside but I just reminded myself that it was over no matter what he said. He went upstairs to get some things and I followed. I layed down on the bed and I started crying because I knew that this was it. He would leave in a few minutes and I would never see him again. He came over to the bed and wiped my tears and then he layed down beside me and held me. we talked a little and held each other. I asked him to promise to have his heart checked as I cried. we fell asleep in each others arms for about an hour. He then jumped up to run to a meeting and I followed him to the door and hugged him and said good bye. He said I'll call you......and walked out. I waved as he drove off and then he was gone.
Oh the mixed emotions! I wanted to hate him but couldn't! After everything that we had been through it ends like that. He wanted to know that I would stay there so that he could call me when he felt like seeing me. NEVER!!! I could not live like that. What a JACK ASS for him to think that I would. He thought that I was stuck and depended on him for my survival.
So I spent Friday and Saturday packing and gathering my things. I went to the storage house across from the B&B early both mornings to get my things from that house. He never saw me. My friends came on Saturday and we loaded everything that I own on a 26' truck. I was extremely stressed but not doubting my decision.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
What the Hell!
It is still day 6 and it's not even noon. I can't function! I am trying to pack but I can't focus. I keep thinking about him and wondering what he is thinking. I KNOW that he is not thinking of me! I Know that it is just another day at the B&B. I KNOW that he is already fuckin somebody else! Why am I holding on to his BULL SHIT?????
One of his friends texted me this morning and asked if I was still at the B&B an said they were thinking of me. As if they didn' know what was going on. He has already told everyone that it is my fault and probably is telling them lies like I am cheating on him! MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!
OK, just had to say that and get that out of the air. Whyshould I even care what he says to anyone? Not like I am going to ever see any of them again!!! I will be in a new place and making new friends and reestablishing friendships with those that I lost because of him.
I have to mak a list of his bullshit so that I can see it and own it. Here goes:
1. Lies all the time
2. cheated on me twice that I know of
3. Shuns me when his daughter comes to town
4. Ignores me unless he wants something
5. Talks down to me EVEYDAY
6. NEVER g
OMG! HE JUST CALLED.................
One of his friends texted me this morning and asked if I was still at the B&B an said they were thinking of me. As if they didn' know what was going on. He has already told everyone that it is my fault and probably is telling them lies like I am cheating on him! MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!
OK, just had to say that and get that out of the air. Whyshould I even care what he says to anyone? Not like I am going to ever see any of them again!!! I will be in a new place and making new friends and reestablishing friendships with those that I lost because of him.
I have to mak a list of his bullshit so that I can see it and own it. Here goes:
1. Lies all the time
2. cheated on me twice that I know of
3. Shuns me when his daughter comes to town
4. Ignores me unless he wants something
5. Talks down to me EVEYDAY
6. NEVER g
OMG! HE JUST CALLED.................
IT'S MY TIME!
Day 6 of the Break-up!
So, last Friday was day one. We never said to each other that it was over. He just got mad and left just like he always does when we are arguing. I wrote the blog shortly after he left simply because I was done. I visited a Friend that lives a couple hours away over the weekend because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, I didn't want do to that depressed place where I can't function, and I certainly didn't want to go back to him and beg for him to love me and promise that I would be a better girlfriend. That's always what I did in the past. This time I was really done!
As I drove to visit my friend I let the anger of the situation control my feelings. 'HOW COULD HE' played over and over in my head. But knowing deep inside that is who he is and always has been.
I sat and talked to my friend and her situation with her life and we both cried. It had been quite a while since I had spoken to her and I felt something pulling me towards her after I wrote the blog Friday. She and I decided that I would move there. We spent the remainder of the weekend making plans of how we would make the move.
As I drove home I knew that I was making the right choice. My son was on board too. Changing schools once again, I figured he would be upset but he too was tired of the fighting. Everything just unfolded right before my eyes in a way that I could not deny that God was in this. It may not be the perfect situation but it is better than this.
Yesterday was awful!!!! I tried to pack my things but I couldn't. I kept thinking of him. I was missing him. I was missing the man that I have loved for two years. I've loved him even after he has cheated and lied! I tried to tell myself to get it together! He has been fucking another woman since Friday because he can't be alone. I am sure that he is but I still couldn't function...still missed him. Damn I've got issues!!!
I keep hoping that he will walk through the door, see the boxes, and tell me that he loves me and wants me to stay. I hope that only because it will instantly take away the fear of walking into the unknown. I would still be living in a nice home, I would still have some security.
It wont happen like that though. What I foresee is that I wont see or hear from him at all this week. I will bring the moving van here this Saturday and my friends and I will load up all of my things ( including the bedroom suite that he just purchased) and the house will be empty. I will leave his phone behind and he will have no idea where I went. He will walk in the door next week and see that I am gone and that I took everything. If he is fucking someone else then I know that he will feel relief. If he is ignoring me as a form of punishment then he will freak out.
Oh, I am so glad that I sat down and wrote this morning. I am headed to the store to buy more boxes. I have GOT to do this! He truly is an abusive DICK and if I keep lieing to myself then I will continue to be miserable....I've been unhappy for so long. It is time to find happiness and time to find myself again! IT IS MY TIME!
So, last Friday was day one. We never said to each other that it was over. He just got mad and left just like he always does when we are arguing. I wrote the blog shortly after he left simply because I was done. I visited a Friend that lives a couple hours away over the weekend because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, I didn't want do to that depressed place where I can't function, and I certainly didn't want to go back to him and beg for him to love me and promise that I would be a better girlfriend. That's always what I did in the past. This time I was really done!
As I drove to visit my friend I let the anger of the situation control my feelings. 'HOW COULD HE' played over and over in my head. But knowing deep inside that is who he is and always has been.
I sat and talked to my friend and her situation with her life and we both cried. It had been quite a while since I had spoken to her and I felt something pulling me towards her after I wrote the blog Friday. She and I decided that I would move there. We spent the remainder of the weekend making plans of how we would make the move.
As I drove home I knew that I was making the right choice. My son was on board too. Changing schools once again, I figured he would be upset but he too was tired of the fighting. Everything just unfolded right before my eyes in a way that I could not deny that God was in this. It may not be the perfect situation but it is better than this.
Yesterday was awful!!!! I tried to pack my things but I couldn't. I kept thinking of him. I was missing him. I was missing the man that I have loved for two years. I've loved him even after he has cheated and lied! I tried to tell myself to get it together! He has been fucking another woman since Friday because he can't be alone. I am sure that he is but I still couldn't function...still missed him. Damn I've got issues!!!
I keep hoping that he will walk through the door, see the boxes, and tell me that he loves me and wants me to stay. I hope that only because it will instantly take away the fear of walking into the unknown. I would still be living in a nice home, I would still have some security.
It wont happen like that though. What I foresee is that I wont see or hear from him at all this week. I will bring the moving van here this Saturday and my friends and I will load up all of my things ( including the bedroom suite that he just purchased) and the house will be empty. I will leave his phone behind and he will have no idea where I went. He will walk in the door next week and see that I am gone and that I took everything. If he is fucking someone else then I know that he will feel relief. If he is ignoring me as a form of punishment then he will freak out.
Oh, I am so glad that I sat down and wrote this morning. I am headed to the store to buy more boxes. I have GOT to do this! He truly is an abusive DICK and if I keep lieing to myself then I will continue to be miserable....I've been unhappy for so long. It is time to find happiness and time to find myself again! IT IS MY TIME!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Breaking Up - DAY 1 A Journey of Enlightenment
Day 1 of blogging and day 1 of the break-up. So, it's not confirmed yet. The break-up that is. But, having been in this place so many times before I know exactly what it is. It is a feeling of hurt, self-pity, desperation, and loneliness. I want to embrace those feelings and not let them get the best of me this go-around. Time to get off of that seemingly never ending roller coaster and get my life back!
This blog will be my savior! Like I said, having been here before ( a mental place of self-pity and desperation), I feel like being able to express my feeling and thoughts in a visual way will prevent me from making the same mistakes in the future. And also keep me sane!
The break-up....well, it's been a long time coming. Without expressing the exact details of how I have gotten to this point today. I have to say that I feel a little bit of freedom but at the same time, a new weight now lies on my shoulders. The old weight had a name and it was Mark. This new weight, well, it's name is Fear. I let the old weight control me, I let it into every crevace of my being and submitted my entire life to it. This new weight however, Will not control me and break my spirit on a daily bases!
The journey begins today! I will be blogging about past experiences in this relationship, as negative as they may be, I have to see it for myself and then do something with those feelings. Those feelings are all deep within and if I don't do something with them now I know that they will either 1. DRIVE ME CRAZY! or 2. Carry with me into future relationships. I'd prefer to let it all go right now but I know that it is a process.
With this blog and a lot of prayer, I hope to be able to embrace the power of me and have an awakening of consciousness that will make me a BETTER ME!
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