IT'S MY TIME!

Day 6 of the Break-up!

So, last Friday was day one. We never said to each other that it was over. He just got mad and left just like he always does when we are arguing. I wrote the blog shortly after he left simply because I was done. I visited a Friend that lives a couple hours away over the weekend because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, I didn't want do to that depressed place where I can't function, and I certainly didn't want to go back to him and beg for him to love me and promise that I would be a better girlfriend. That's always what I did in the past. This time I was really done!
As I drove to visit my friend I let the anger of the situation control my feelings. 'HOW COULD HE' played over and over in my head. But knowing deep inside that is who he is and always has been.
I sat and talked to my friend and her situation with her life and we both cried. It had been quite a while since I had spoken to her and I felt something pulling me towards her after I wrote the blog Friday. She and I decided that I would move there. We spent the remainder of the weekend making plans of how we would make the move.
As I drove home I knew that I was making the right choice. My son was on board too. Changing schools once again, I figured he would be upset but he too was tired of the fighting. Everything just unfolded right before my eyes in a way that I could not deny that God was in this. It may not be the perfect situation but it is better than this.
Yesterday was awful!!!! I tried to pack my things but I couldn't. I kept thinking of him. I was missing him. I was missing the man that I have loved for two years. I've loved him even after he has cheated and lied! I tried to tell myself to get it together! He has been fucking another woman since Friday because he can't be alone. I am sure that he is but I still couldn't function...still missed him. Damn I've got issues!!!
I keep hoping that he will walk through the door, see the boxes, and tell me that he loves me and wants me to stay. I hope that only because it will instantly take away the fear of walking into the unknown. I would still be living in a nice home, I would still have some security.
It wont happen like that though. What I foresee is that I wont see or hear from him at all this week. I will bring the moving van here this Saturday and my friends and I will load up all of my things ( including the bedroom suite that he just purchased) and the house will be empty. I will leave his phone behind and he will have no idea where I went. He will walk in the door next week and see that I am gone and that I took everything. If he is fucking someone else then I know that he will feel relief. If he is ignoring me as a form of punishment then he will freak out.
Oh, I am so glad that I sat down and wrote this morning. I am headed to the store to buy more boxes. I have GOT to do this! He truly is an abusive DICK and if I keep lieing to myself then I will continue to be  miserable....I've been unhappy for so long. It is time to find happiness and time to find myself again! IT IS MY TIME!

Breaking Up - DAY 1 A Journey of Enlightenment

Day 1 of blogging and day 1 of the break-up. So, it's not confirmed yet. The break-up that is. But, having been in this place so many times before I know exactly what it is. It is a feeling of  hurt, self-pity, desperation, and loneliness. I want to embrace those feelings and not let them get the best of me this go-around. Time to get off of that seemingly never ending roller coaster and get my life back! 

This blog will be my savior! Like I said, having been here before ( a mental place of self-pity and desperation), I feel like being able to express my feeling and thoughts in a visual way will prevent me from making the same mistakes in the future. And also keep me sane!

The break-up....well, it's been a long time coming. Without expressing the exact details of how I have gotten to this point today. I have to say that I feel a little bit of freedom but at the same time, a new weight now lies on my shoulders. The old weight had a name and it was Mark. This new weight, well, it's name is Fear. I let the old weight control me, I let it into every crevace of my being and submitted my entire life to it. This new weight however, Will not control me and break my spirit on a daily bases! 

The journey begins today! I will be blogging about past experiences in this relationship, as negative as they may be, I have to see it for myself and then do something with those feelings. Those feelings are all deep within and if I don't do something with them now I know that they will either 1.  DRIVE ME CRAZY! or 2. Carry with me into future relationships. I'd prefer to let it all go right now but I know that it is a process.

With this blog and a lot of prayer, I hope to be able to embrace the power of me and have an awakening of consciousness that will make me a BETTER ME!