TOXIC LOVE

I was head over heels in love with him and spent so much of my time and energy on him – who wasn’t just difficult, he was all-out TOXIC.
Even though he seemed like a dream-come-true when I first met him.
In fact, we had everything in common – the same interests, the same careers – but even more amazing, we had the same ENERGY.
We both talked fast, we were both so enthusiastic and demonstrative. It was totally thrilling from the first moment.
And for a long time, he was so attentive.
He’d call me every day. He’d bring flowers to all our dates.
He called me “precious” and said it was the first time he’d ever understood the MEANING of the word “precious.”
I was knocked over.
It all scared me because I’d never felt that much with a man – and so strongly and intensely.
I was afraid I’d get hurt, but I just pushed it all aside and jumped in completely. I allowed him into my mind and into my heart. I was convinced he was “The One”
And then my worst fears started becoming real. He started complaining about me – from the clothes I wore to the way I stood, to how I did ANYTHING.
He made me feel ugly, and unsexy, and unwanted – and he did it with his merciless sense of humor.
Every complaint came out as a put-down.
People around us would laugh, because he was funny.
I laughed, because it was funny and because I didn’t want to look like a “poor sport.”
All of a sudden I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him, which made me feel small and weak, and powerless.
He stopped caring about what I really wanted or how I felt about something he wanted to do. He just seemed unhappy with me, and too preoccupied with his own thoughts and plans to worry about me – to even CONSIDER me or my feelings – and that made me feel unworthy and unloved.
But because I’d already invested so much time and energy and love in him, and because everyone we knew saw us as a “couple,” I just let it go on…and on…and on.
I found myself completely bound up in this relationship, unable to understand what was really happening to us… and to me.
I kept telling myself that because I loved him, he could make me happy if only I knew how to make HIM happy.
I kept trying to change the way I acted or talked around him, in hopes that I could “smooth things over” and make him love me more.
I kept blaming myself all the time, because I decided it was all MY responsibility and that it was all happening because I wasn’t strong enough to handle the situation and make it right.
He would tell me that the real problem was that it was impossible to make me happy. And I started to believe him!
After a while, I realized I wasn’t the same woman I was before we met. I used to feel enthusiastic about life and love. Instead, I had become an obsessed, miserable and anxious person.
Yet, even though I felt frustrated, hurt and confused, I would tell myself I loved him and that he was the man I wanted to be with forever.
I kept reminding myself and thinking about all the good things that kept me wanting him…
He would be so intense and romantic one day… then ignore me for days afterward.
He would talk about all the wonderful things he wanted us to do together, and I would feel like there was something to look forward to… but a few weeks later he’d get “amnesia” and nothing changed.
He would make me laugh and feel lighthearted… and then say something cruel and condescending right after.
I was totally drained from the roller coaster yo-yo of emotions, feeling happy and connected one day when he was being loving and attentive – to feeling the ground drop under me when he disappointed me yet again with an unkind word, an angry glance, or the cold sting of his obvious withdrawal.
As a matter of fact, the way he made me feel when things were GOOD between us was part of the big reason I couldn’t seem to LET IT GO no matter how BAD things got.

what next?

Wow! Three months have officially passed and I am left wondering wtf did I do! My life sucks! I HATE it worse than I did when I was in the relationship. Which is probably why I am missing him so terribly this week! I so desperately want it all back! I know that I would have never thought that while I was in the relationship. All I ever wanted when I was in it was to leave because I knew that he would never and could never love me and respect me the way that I deserved. But, even knowing how bad it was, I want it all back.
I know that I can't have it back. I know that! But still, a little piece of me wants to believe that it could all be back in the blink of an eye. I woke up this morning and decided that I would call him today. He needs to hear my apology!  He needs to know that I was wrong....I was grasping for straws. I thought about calling to hear his voice, I thought that maybe, just maybe, he would hear mine and want me back. The reality of it though, is that it would stir up all of my feelings and emotions and when he would say that he wasn't interested in me and that he is in a relationship....It would kill me! It would put me over the edge! The simple truth!

I don't think that I would have been so

3 months

Just extremely depressed today! I had been doing well for several weeks until now. I received a call last Sunday from someone that I barley know wanting info on weddings at the B&B. I found it odd that she asked so many personal questions about Mark and me and then asked me if I would be her wedding coordinator at the B&B. After the conversation I felt a little anxious because I thought that maybe....just maybe....Mark had put her up to it. I started thinking of him again and started imagining us together again and ....bla, bla, bla!
I did it, I went there.............Again. I don't guess that he really had anything to do with it at all. I just wish that I could forget about it all. I wish that I could move on with my life! I wish! I wish! I wish!
I really thought that after 3 months I would be in a better place! Thought I'd have a job, thought I'd be happier....thought wrong!

2 months- A note to myself

Nothing seems to have changed in the past 2 months. I still feel depressed and have still not found a job. I am very un-nerved and nothing seems to go my way. I have a lot of paranoia and I am just extremely unhappy!

I am praying and having faith that God will help me and Clay through this. I am scared that it will get worse before it gets better though. I don't suppose that that is being very faithful since I am letting fear control me.
Right now I am struggling with my feelings for Mark. After having wrote my last blog entry it seems as though with all of the emotion that I put into my words may have characterized him as somebody that may have been worth fighting for. With the daily drama that I experience here I chose not to remember the bad and only the good in him. Having done that, I have convinced myself that leaving him was a mistake and that I was better off there.

I am so wrong though! Fortunately I had taken the time to write some of the bad things that he did throughout our relationship as a reminder so that when I did leave I would not forget the bad. That is always what I have done...forgot the bad and accept responsibility for the relationship not working. That's what I have been doing the past few weeks...blaming myself and sulking in my own self pity! No, he isn't worth it and never was. I had forgotten how he used me as his personal laborer. He's had to hire 5 people to replace me now since I have left! I had forgotten the looks of disgust that I would get, how he constantly would shun me, The hurtful words that he spoke.

So I am not where I want to be in my life right now. But guess what REBECCA! You are not sitting in your secret place at Nesselrod staring at traffic wishing that you had the balls to leave that disrespectful lying, cheating, BASTARD! You got the balls and you did it! Please don't forget how miserable you were with him! You gave up your pride for him, you gave up your integrity for him, you gave up YOU for HIM and he never even deserved you! Don't you waste a second pondering on him. What he is doing or who he is with....remember that he is so unhappy with himself and so insecure that he is just gonna keep using and abusing everyone around him until it all crashes. And it will!

So look at your future! Look at what you will gain. You will get stronger each day. You will find yourself again and enjoy life again. You will establish a new career in a new place. New friends will come and new experiences. You will have the time to spend with Clay that you have been wanting for so long. These things will all come and sooner than you think. It has only been two months and you have been hurt. Time now to stand on your own two feet again and move forward with your life. It is time!

THE END

2/15/2011

It's been exactly a month today since I left. Today, I am still extremely depressed. Still thinking of him and our last conversation. I remember him walking in the door that Thursday morning and seeing the boxes in the hall. I heard him say "shit, Rebecca!" I came around the corner as he stood there his eyes filled with tears and he said " what are you doing?"
I keep thinking of that moment because it made him realize that I was serious and It seemed as though he actually cared. If only for that moment.
We sat down and talked and he said that he was sorry for coming 30 minutes late. He promised me that he would call next time if he were going to be late. I said ok, knowing that there would not be a next time. He asked me to unpack everything and I said that I would. He said in a quivering voice, my God! what must you have been thinking when you started packing everything. He seemed to really care but then the conversation switched over to he couldn't live with me and asked if it was alright if he left some of his clothes in the closet. I was really just numb. I would normally say something out of anger as a response to such a comment but I knew that it didn't matter. I just sat there and listened to him make excuses and not own any responsibility for our relationship not working. He tried to explain to me why his family and children would always come first and why I would never be allowed around them. In his head, it was normal. He has never once considered how hurtful that was to me. He truly did not care at that moment, or never for that matter. I didn't comment on his decision to constantly shun me. It really didn't matter. For two and a half years I tried to express how his words and actions were so hurtful. It never got through to him.
I play that day over and over in my head. The decision to leave had been made the previous weekend but I kept hoping that something would happen to change my own mind. With every box that I packed I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing. I was soooo tired of hurting. I was soooo unhappy with myself and who I had become. It was the right thing to do for myself and Clay. It could have been so different though, I would still be there today if I had had any hope at all that things could be different. He didn't give any inkling at all that he would or could ever change. I knew that he was done too.
Now I am trying to heal. trying not to dwell on our past. But I find myself thinking only of the good times that we shared. I am wanting to feel his arms around me again. That warmth and security that made everything ok. His body snuggled so tightly against mine all night. I think of the places that we went together early on in the relationship and those memories that we made together. The events at the B&B that we actually enjoyed together. There were not many of those but there are so many memories there. How do I let them all go? How do I move on as if he were never a part of my life? I have truly lost the only man that I have ever loved.
We lied in bed that day and held each other. My tears kept flowing uncontrollably. I wondered what he must be thinking. I am sure that he was thinking how pathetic I was and how he couldn't wait to leave. I just wanted to hold him forever and never let him go. I asked him to promise to have his heart checked and to have the mole on his head checked. I wanted to know that he would be ok.
We dosed off for about an hour and when we woke he had to rush off to meet someone. He put some things in a bag and walked down stairs. I couldn't help but think that he was feeling some guilt for having just lied in bed with me. He wouldn't kiss me and he certainly did not want to make love. I think that he would have felt like he was cheating on whomever he was already seeing. I had had those exact feelings from him before and they were always true. He was already with someone else.
We walked to the door and and hugged on last time. Holding back the tears this time, I said I love you. He didn't, he said I'll call you. I watched him walk out the door to his car. I couldn't take my eyes off of him because I knew that it was the end. I may never see this man again. The realization of what was happening hit me and I wanted to rush to his car and stop him. Tell him just how much that he meant to me and that I would never leave him! But, I didn't move. I stood there and watched him back up and drive off as I waved good bye.
I spent the next day frantically packing the rest of my belongings. I had gotten some supernatural strength from God because I was able to stay on track and get it done. The following night I went to bed knowing that it would be the last night in the home that we had made together. I snuggled his pillow and closed my eyes and imagined that he was lying beside me. The realization of what I was doing had not hit. Not yet anyway. I sent him a text message that said I was thinking of him. One last effort to hear from him. I dozed off and was awaken at 1:30 from the buzz of my phone. He had replied. I grabbed my phone and read the message. It said...and I of you. But I was certain that he wasn't.
The next morning I awoke and lied there for a few minutes trying to gather the strength to do what I had to do. I had got Clay up and we went to the storage house beside of Nesselrod early to get the rest of my things. It did not bother me to look across the grounds of Nesselrod that morning. That place had brought me so much heart ache and was the the reason for so many arguments between Mark and me. I was happy to leave there. We loaded the vehicle and tied my boat down to the top. I remember Clay and I trying to be quiet because I didn't want any confrontation with Mark that morning. As we drove off I said my goodbyes to myself.
The next several hours were a blur. The anxiety was off the charts! 4 xanex's later I was able to calm down enough to make one last pass through the house before I left. It was empty. Now I knew that there was no going back. We arrived at the storage facility in NC a few hours later. That is when it all hit me! Everything that I owned was being unloaded into a 10x20 storage building. I cried uncontrollably and yelled at everyone around me because NOBODY knew what this pain that I was feeling was all about. I knew that they would never understand. A couple more xanex and I calmed down.  
The healing is slow. If time really does heal all then I am praying that the next six months fly by. My memories will fade quickly I am sure. I don't have many memories of any of my ex's and if I do, they are not the good ones. The same will be true for Mark. The bad memories will remain and a year from now I will wonder what I ever saw in him. How could I ever love someone that would lie and cheat. The blatant disrespect that he showed almost daily. These are the things that I need to accept in order to move forward. I have been asking myself what it is that I would look for in a man when I am ready to start dating again. Right now I can only think that I would want Mark but I would want a Mark that was respectful and proud of me. 



What I've learned from all of this is best summed up in this quote-

"Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option." Lauren Taylor

Day 13

Well, he did call last Wednesday. Said that we needed to talk. So I went over to the B&B and It was nice. He hugged me tight and we sat and talked. Honestly, I don't even remember the whole conversation. I told him that I was packing but I don't think that he believed me. He acted as though he wanted to work things out but I was still DONE and I think that deep inside he was too. We spent a couple of hours together and then he said that he wanted to come by Thursday to get a few things.
Thursday came and he walked in the house and saw all of the boxes. He said "shit" and suddenly his eyes became teary and he said what are you doing Rebecca? I told him that I needed to do something. I really couldn't just sit there and hope that he would come home. We talked for a while and he told me that he had a wonderful week without me. Yes, it bothered me but I wouldn't expect him to own any part of what has been happening to us. He never would! He said that we can't live together anymore but would still like to see me. At that point I started brewing inside but I just reminded myself that it was over no matter what he said. He went upstairs to get some things and I followed. I layed down on the bed and I started crying because I knew that this was it. He would leave in a few minutes and I would never see him again. He came over to the bed and wiped my tears and then he layed down beside me and held me. we talked a little and held each other. I asked him to promise to have his heart checked as I cried. we fell asleep in each others arms for about an hour. He then jumped up to run to a meeting and I followed him to the door and hugged him and said good bye. He said I'll call you......and walked out. I waved as he drove off and then he was gone.
Oh the mixed emotions! I wanted to hate him but couldn't! After everything that we had been through it ends like that. He wanted to know that I would stay there so that he could call me when he felt like seeing me. NEVER!!! I could not live like that. What a JACK ASS for him to think that I would. He thought that I was stuck and depended on him for my survival.
So I spent Friday and Saturday packing and gathering my things. I went to the storage house across from the B&B early both mornings to get my things from that house. He never saw me. My friends came on Saturday and we loaded everything that I own on a 26' truck. I was extremely stressed but not doubting my decision.

What the Hell!

It is still day 6 and it's not even noon. I can't function! I am trying to pack but I can't focus. I keep thinking about him and wondering what he is thinking. I KNOW that he is not thinking of me! I Know that it is just another day at the B&B. I KNOW that he is already fuckin somebody else! Why am I holding on to his BULL SHIT?????
One of his friends texted me this morning and asked if I was still at the B&B an said they were thinking of me. As if they didn' know what was going on. He has already told everyone that it is my fault and probably is telling them lies like I am cheating on him! MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!
OK, just had to say that and get that out of the air. Whyshould I even care what he says to anyone? Not like I am going to ever see any of them again!!! I will be in a new place and making new friends and reestablishing friendships with those that I lost because of him.
I have to mak a list of his bullshit so that I can see it and own it. Here goes:

1. Lies all the time
2. cheated on me twice that I know of
3. Shuns me when his daughter comes to town
4. Ignores me unless he wants something
5. Talks down to me EVEYDAY
6. NEVER g

OMG! HE JUST CALLED.................